Much overdo post about NYC

Written 2 weeks ago:

I've been putting this off because well, sometimes you just don't feel like analyzing. But here it is, here's what's been going on the last 2 months:

The set up was nothing short of perfect:

• 9 months in NY--just enough time to really experience it, but not so long that I would need to completely relocate
  
• Between April and December, meaning the best of East Coast weather
• Secure job
• Subsidy for transportation, shipping costs, housing, and hey even partial gym membership, meaning I could afford to live, eat, and breathe Manhattan
  
• Market low housing/rental prices
• Market low flight prices
  
• Market low retail prices and no tax on clothes and shoes under $120 :)
• A handful of friends and family, one of which I've known for 9 years and was letting me crash indefinitely until I found a place to live (Side note: THANK YOU VERONICA!!!)
  
• A handful of other associates in the office, even on my team
• Joining a team at work that seemed awesome, busy, smart, great at what they do, friendly, and welcoming
  
• Sublet my room to someone who was my age, needed it, would enjoy it, let me keep my furniture there, didn't care too much about rent/terms/length, got along with Minna, and works at Google
• Heading to a city I've wanted to live in since I was 10 years old staring at Broadway St. from the Empire State Building at night

Needless to say I came to NY giddy, excited, optimistic...the best word really, is "ready". I was so ready to be here. Ready to live, eat, and breathe new air in a city that I always admired. Ready to get out of the 20-mile radius that I'd been in for 22 years. Ready to be challenged and confused. It's the same bug that shipped me to Cambridge in '03, DR in '05, and London in '06. It was almost a rite of passage for me to live on this coast for a while. Superficial, I know. Point is, I crave change and NYC has quite a lure.

Then the reality:

• It took a month to finally settle on an apartment share, only to realize that I wasn't comfortable in the space
  
• It took another week for me to find a better place, only to get shot down and locked into the aforementioned
  
• It took another 3 weeks to fully unpack my suitcases, only to have another couple boxes of stuff somewhere in Jersey
  
• The handful of friends and family aren't the "Yo, what are we doing today?"-kind, but more the "Hey, are you free to grab dinner next Tuesday? No? Ok, maybe next time."-kind
• The other associates came here because they already have a life here
  
• My team at work is definitely awesome, busy, smart, great at what they do, friendly, and welcoming. But I happened to join at a very odd time--when projects were too far along for me to join in and the organization decided to change about 14 times
  

So basically, in my home life, social life, and work life (which totals my entire life), I don't really have a place here. It's been 2 months and my feet are not planted. I don't know where I fit in this city.

Would it have been easier if that perfect set-up wasn't there? If I had shipped myself over, broke, not knowing another soul, forcing myself to "make it in the big city"; you know those stories. My story is much too safe to be one of those. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for this opportunity and everything that made it happen. I just mean that when you play it safe, you forgo the challenge and reap a smaller reward.

How did I uproot myself in '03, '05, and '06. Heck, how did I start college, work, or any big stage of my life? Oh ya that's right, I always had a default network. "Fast friends", I call them. College-->dorm/fellowship friends. Study abroad-->program friends. Work-->Associate friends. Home-->HS friends. I realized that every new chapter of my life, I started with a big ol' group of other newbies too. Instant bond. Sure there were other newbies that came to NY in my program. But like I said, they came here because they already have a life here. It's like me going back home in January. Open to making new friends, but hey, I already have my core. I spent 22 years in a 20-mile radius, so I established a pretty grounded life in the Bay Area.

Now I'm in this amazing new place, but I feel like I'm experiencing it by myself.

When I was studying abroad, toward the end I wanted to travel more. When it came down to actually planning it, turns out those that wanted to go were broke as a joke and had to sit on their hands for the remaining few weeks (aaand, that is why I budget!!). I could have still gone by myself, but I didn't. Not that I think there's anything wrong traveling solo. But for me personally, traveling is more about the experience you have with those you are with than the things you see or do. For me, it's less meaningful gazing at the ceiling of the Sisteen Chapel without discussing the details with the person next to you, or climbing the stairs of the Eiffel Tower without someone to high five when you reach the top, or eating the best food of your life without offering it to the person across the table to try. So I stayed in London with those friends, discovered new splendors exactly where we were. I had a blast. (Unless of course, you are on a journey of self-discovery like Liz in Eat, Pray, Love. In that case, solo travel is the only way to go! Side note: Helen I bought it for $1 at an awesome bookstore!)

You know what would solve all this? A BOYFRIEND. It would take care of this problem don't you think? :) JUUST KIDDING! Let's not going to go there...I'm just joking. (Side note: When I was joking about this with Sharon, she straight up forbade me. No, not because it's silly to rely on a boy. She's afraid that if I find Prince Charming, I'll never come back! So I promised her I'll only aim for Prince Mediocre then, or Prince Just-for-a-few-months hahaha)

So by now I've been asked well over 100 times, "How's NY? How's it going?" and my answer is always the same: "It's going well, for the most part." And that's truthful. Despite feeling a little...lost, ungrounded, uprooted, lonely...I love this city. I love that I have the chance to live here for a while and be challenged. I love that I've figured out more about myself and my life now that I've removed myself from the Bay Area for longer than a couple months. And you know what, it's only been 2 months. And 2 weeks of those have been/will be spent back in SF! Finding a "home" takes time. Making quality friends, takes more time. I just hope that I find it before it's time to go.