my testimony

this semester in small group we've been sharing our testimonies. last week was my turn. here's the long version:

grew up believing in Christ. went to college and was exposed to this concept of social justice. or rather, social injustice. social justice minded IVCCF, invisible children, peace and conflict studies minor, sociology 1, and african american studies 139 showed me the faults of this world. and i became angry. by my sophmore year i was angry.

i have a fundamental belief that all people have the same value. whether it's the queen of england, you, me, or that hungry child on the cover of world vision catalogs, we are worth the same. but this world doesn't seem to recognize that. it is a place full of injustice, sorrow, unfairness, discrimination, hate, and instability. and it's not even the poorest, third world suffering i'm bitter about. what about those that grow up without a mother? those that seem to die for no good reason? how is it that we all have the same human value, yet this world does not treat us that way?

i'm not completely cynical; i am grateful and joyful for the life i live. but basically, you and i got lucky. we happened to have been born and raised with wonderful families, political stability, freedom, and affluence. we got lucky.

where is justice? how is it that we are meant to be equal, but live in a world that doesn't recognize it? that doesn't care? that cares more about status, power, money, looks, and lust?

from my anger came a realization: God. there is justice through God and the resurrection of his son. here is a being that loves us all the same. the SAME. he pours out love and grace despite all we have done and despite what this world has done to us. regardless of what the world has pigeon-holed us into, God sees us for who we are and completely LOVES us. ... that's amazing.

it makes sense to me. God created the world and said, "here you go!" but then we screwed it up until finally he said, "enough. let me save you." to believe that he has saved you brings justice and redemption and equality back. it puts everyone at the same level, a really really high level.

this may sound like a cop out to you--that i believe in a God because i need to see justice in this world. but in pure honesty, this is not a cop out. it just...makes perfect sense to me. believing in Christ, everything falls into place. once i came to this realization, that anger was replaced with a wave of peace. this is real to me. this makes sense.

i continued on my happy way, telling anyone who will listen about this wonderful God of mine. as it turns out, God may seem crystal clear to me, but for others this is much harder to believe. why is it that most of the people in my life are not Christian and don't even care? 2 long GiGs, 1 year, and many moments of "silent prayers" later, i'm sitting at chapter camp angry all over again. my friend starts telling me all these things about "trusting God" and "prayer" and "love" and "His great plan." i've heard these phrases my entire life and always believed it, but in that moment, i could only feel that it was all baloney. i was mad at God because He wasn't present in the lives of my friends. i kept asking, "where the heck are you? do you care, because all I get is silence."

then along comes Isaiah 58. i read this and it was like God just slapped me in the face with truth saying, "what are you doing? you are demanding that i make your friends believe what you believe? that's not what i'm about." i was letting the faith of my friends dictate whether or not i believed in God, when in fact, that was never the root of my faith. "remember why you believe in me. go feed the hungry and help the poor. 'Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.'"

some people see God as a God of love, or a God of grace, or a God of mercy. mine is a God of justice. the amazing thing is, that he is ALL of those.

my life as a christian is confusing and questions keep popping up. there are times when i wonder if this is even real. but i CHOOSE to continue to believe. that is what faith is after all--the choice to believe. and seriously, it has made my life, and every life for that matter, worth what it was originally. with God, all the broken pieces of this world are restored. it's not a cop out. it's just beautiful and real.